Sometimes, the world will deny you every single piece thing you covet.

Entered Animangaki Idol auditions today. I got eliminated after being placed on the waiting list.

I did a rendition of Malice Mizer (Gackt's) Gekka no Yasoukyokyu (Moonlight Nocturne). A soulful melody lamenting the fact that two dolls were dancing their last, sad, lonely and beautiful night away. I performed with a good level of showmanship, or so others said.

I found out I didn't advance to the preliminary rounds. Apparently I made it only as far as the waiting list. All my other friends advanced to the prelims.

What hurts so much is that this was supposed to be my farewell performance, the way I planned it. I had hoped and tried my damnedest to pass this audition. People keep telling me don't worry, there's still next year. No. There is no next year. There is no more auditions for me.

I planned to do Malice Mizer's Illuminati provided I passed the auditions. I planned to do a mock story based on the music, one involving being controlled by other people, being a puppet of the Illuminati. It was going to be a musical piece, intertwined with showmanship. And now, POOF! Gone. Utakata no yume. That's what it all was.

In fact, one of the greatest pains was that people keep telling me they couldn't believe how close I was. In fact, one of the people joining prelims is a screamer. He kept screaming in his song. So, instead of getting an A.N.G.R.Y. penned musical, Animangaki 2013 goers are going to get a "rocker" screaming his song.

Well, I guess people just couldn't accept Malice Mizer. After all, they are not as well known as your Ayumi Hamasakis, your Lukas and Mikus.

This may sound bitter, but this is how I feel. To be so close yet so far.

Now excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep again. The pain.

What is human? Nothing but a being of Malice and Misery. -Malice Mizer-

And I am human.

Smile

So, let me start this blog post with a simple riddle. What is the longest word in the dictionary? No, it's not supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, neither is it a dozen of words currently in your mind. The correct answer is Smiles, simply because it has a "Mile" between the first and last word.

A smile certainly is important. If the eyes are a window to the soul, a smile is the welcome sign of the soul, because it hangs at the "doorway" of the soul, the mouth. A smile can tell others your intention. Are you an evildoer, are you a being of malice, or are you just a simple, sweet person wanting to make friends.

I got my STPM results the other day, and my results were less than expected. I raged, I cried, I screamed, and in the end, I made a decision. I would never let my emotions control me.

So I went around, telling my friends that my smile had died. Died and was buried under 10 feet of concrete and thrown to the seas, along with my hopes and dreams. Ideals. Aspirations. All of these left me when I lost in the race called STPM.

This got me thinking. As an unfeeling, unthinking, unsmiling "thing", I could observe a lot of things. I could observe the smile from a distance.

The other day, before my smile "died", I went to work with my mother as a crew member for "Ah Boys to Men 2" roadshow. In Penang, the invited guests for the roadshow that day were a number of people from a Home for the Mentally Handicapped. They were very friendly, and most importantly, they kept smiling. They didn't care who you were, they didn't care what you did, they just smiled at you, and was grateful for anything you did for them.

This got me thinking. Their smiles were pure, innocent and just a smile in its purest form. They had no worries, no complaints. No thinking about exams, about taxes, about pain and hurt. No malice, no misery. It was a smile that continues to ring on my head even after a week. Their smile was something that I knew, deep down, that I could never achieve in my life.

I find it ironic, to be honest. That I, despite constantly telling my friends to perk up, cheering them up, being the class clown, would lose my smile. It was like Thor losing his hammer and bravery, Iron Man losing his Arc Reactor, Hulk losing his Anger (Sorry, I'm not really that good with similes. Oh look, Similes. A letter away from miles. Oh wait, this should be the longest word in the Dictionary. An extra 'i'.). In fact, this is so ironic and painful for me and my friends.

Anyways, a smile is a powerful thing. It can change someone's life, if given at the best moment. As such, I end this post with Two kinds of smile. You decide which one to emulate...

Ahem.

Ahem ahem.